Moonlit Ponds
by burned flamer
Summary: | AU | V/H |[She reached out and yelled a word, or a name, or something. But I was already too far-gone to hear her words... why did she look so sad?]| A bit of a plot-turner now... I'm a sadistic man.
1. Moonlit Ponds

****

Escaflowne belongs to its respective artists and businessmen. Unfortunately, I am neither. The STORY does belong to me though.

* *

[ **1 /** **Moonlit Ponds** ]

* *

The tilted streaks of moonlight struck the pond with quiet precision, the earthbound brilliance seemed like it generated its own light source, it was the little known, but simple treasure of Fanaelia. This was the innocent pond of my short-lived childhood...the silvery glaze of its unbroken surface, the gentle, warm glow it gave to the surrounding trees; a soft, lush green underneath the faded light of the moons.

Against the luminous surface of the water, the clear reflection of Kanzaki Hitomi was seen, she stood beside me, her clear eyes mesmerized by the sight of my pond. She momentarily glanced towards me, delicate lips smiling with gratitude, as she sank down before it, looking into the shallow depth of the water. She looked sweetly innocent, caught in the silvery moonlight mirrored from the pond, her chin resting on her knees, while her arms hugged her legs.

I smiled faintly at Hitomi, leaning against the trunk of a tree, my hand naturally settling on the hilt of my sword. Not that it was necessary for me to carry it around, but I felt safer when it was at my side, although it felt nothing like Hitomi's reassuring touch. I considered plucking her from her peaceful position, confiscating her soft limbs in careful motion, and whisking her away into some far off place.

I explained to her that this was where my childhood had begun and ended, crossing my arms across my chest as I rested my head against the tree, staring at the rustling leafs above me. What I would've gave to go back to the days where we weren't stained by war, in a time where I had been allowed to be a child, instead of being pushed into the role of a warring king, back to the days where my brother swore to always protect me, instead of battling against me.

"I never asked to be king," I said softly, trying to keep myself from telling all things at once. "If I'd known that I would've been fighting against Folken...I don't know what I would've done."

How quickly silence fluttered into place, settling in at a perfect moment in time, it seemed natural to enjoy each other's company in utter stillness. The green leaves of the tree whispered at me, beckoning like a child to listen to it, a soft echo of a detail that had been there before any memory could remember. They flickered, the tame green cooled by the moonlight, almost mystical in itself.

"You couldn't abandon your country," she responded after a few moments, her words thoughtful and kind, almost hesitant to say them. "Someone needs to protect innocent people, Van, everyone makes an effort to do that. That's what we're all fighting for, right?"

"I don't know what I fight for," I replied tiredly, closing my eyes with sudden fatigue, reluctantly drawing my hands up to rub over the lids. "All I know is that I can't stand by and just watch Zaibach take control of everything...I don't even know if I'm even protecting innocent people. It's not that simple."

"You don't fight for yourself," Hitomi said carefully, her voice strong with determination, without turning to face me for emphasis. "You fight for others...it's that simple..."

The clouds floated by slothfully above us, ashen against the dark skies of night, not really gliding, merely lounging there. Surreal was the moons that the clouds passed softly, swishing by at the speed of a snail, but gracefully as that of a butterfly's light, airy wings. Consciously, I drew away the strands of ebony hair from my eyes, my attention turned back to Hitomi's sheltered figure.

"What if I fought for you instead?" I asked, tilting my head in thoughtful expression, smiling slightly. "What if I were to protect you from harm?"

I heard her sigh, a gentle wisp of air escaping from her lips, it was like having the darkness sigh. "I don't want anyone to die on account of me...it wouldn't feel right."

"Then I guess I'll fight for everyone's well-being..." I said with some disappointment, not that I expected her to fall for one of my more unpolished pickup lines, but it had been worth a try. 

Hitomi turned to me, her lips tugged by a warm grin, and asked why I had brought her here. It was a startling question, but I didn't let it get the better of me, leaving my location against the tree, I knelt down beside her as I looked into the pond. I spoke with concealed insecurity and told her the answer in a quiet tone, my entire confident stature crumbling into dust as I spoke, while trying not to turn to her to glimpse at her reaction.

My hand broke the silver stillness of the water's texture, gentle ripples quivered throughout the pond's surface, shattering the serene moment I had with Hitomi. The water was achingly cool against my fingers, rough from the training and use of swords and guymelefs, I idly wondered if they were worthy of touching Hitomi. How could such hands, soaked with the blood of men, touch something as pure as Hitomi's soul?

Her eyes dimmed with surprise as I continued to speak quietly, her cheeks grew rosy with sudden realization, as I struggled to keep my composure. The stars seemed to brighten when I rose my gaze to admire them, the constellation of the stars abnormally clear, while fear obscured my thoughts of appreciating them.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"There are a lot of reasons, Hitomi - - so many that I don't know if I can name them all at once. But...the most simplest reason would be that I wanted to share this place with someone I loved, someone that I admired and trusted. You've saved my life so many times before, Hitomi, I lost track of how many lives I owe you now. I know that it's my duty to protect you as a king, but it goes much deep than just royal rules, I want to...I want to protect you as a man who loves you.

"Everything that you've shown me has changed me, everything you've ever done for me has kept me going to live another day, and you're the only person that I could ever share this place with. I've never felt this way about anyone before, for a whileI began to think that you're the only one that I could love for eternity, but I never had the courage to tell you. Until...I remembered a promise that I made to my mother before she died..."

* *

__

"Van?"

"Yes, mother?"

"Promise me something..."

"What's that?"

"Promise me that when you find a girl you love, take her to that special place we have, and ask her...ask her to be your wife there. I know it's ridiculous, but promise me...that one thing. It was where your...your father asked me..."

"Okay, mother. I promise."

...

"Mother? ...Mother!"

* *

"Although we made that strange promise when I was at a young age, I remembered it because it was the last moment I spent with my mother before she died. I never really understood what it had meant...but as I grew older, I finally began to realize what our promise had meant to her...she meant for me to be happy by marrying someone I loved. I'm not asking you to be my wife, Hitomi, I only wanted to show this pond to you, because I want you to know that I - - that I love you."

The sudden silence was nearly enough to topple me over into insanity, how everything had grown mute after my last four words were spoken, I didn't have the bravery to even look at her. The pond's mirror-like surface grew calm once more, and from there, I could see the dazed countenance on her delicate features.

How beautiful she appeared in the moonlit pond, her entire secure figure somehow trembling, though not as hard as my heart was. The beat against my chest was nearly painful, my ears throbbing from the silence that ensued, I began to fill up with terrible dread of what she would say next. I could almost hear the echo of her soft rejecting voice...

"Van..." her voice was dainty, somehow quivering with the spreading ripples that once more filled the pond, by the mere brush of my hand on its texture. My eyes slipped away from the pool to glance at her, suddenly finding myself caught in the warmth of her gaze, how her smile showed the happiness in her eyes. It became dreamlike somehow, how every detail became vivid in my memory...

How her arms found their way around my neck, my own arms wrapping around her waist like a gift from heaven, a few words were spoken but none that I remembered. I somehow stood on my feet as I lifted her from her feet, our eyes locked on one another's with fulfilment, perhaps even infatuation by the way our entire atmosphere looked.

The moonlit pond sparkled around us, how everything faded into the background, and then nothing else existed but the girl who was in my arms. We stayed in embrace, our lips against each other's necks, breathing softly in simple bliss. Her skin was sensuous to my cool mouth, as I planted a kiss on her throat, where her pulse was fluttering against my lips like the flap of a bird's wings.

"Let me take you to heaven..."

My own wings, pure white like snow, spread through my red shirt, soon we were climbing the air, as she held me tightly in fear of falling. I smiled as I whispered into her ear, "do you think I'd ever let you go?"

Hitomi murmured a single word that was inaudible to me, it was a quiet mumble that was filled with content, as her arms drew me even closer to her. I heard her sigh, considerate and delicate from her lips, as her head was placed against my shoulder while I drew us up even higher.

I stopped at some point, pulling away to look at her, high above the world. So close to the sky that we could have reached up and touched the stars, we could have felt the moons' cool surfaces on our faces, could have breathed in the clouds dusky scent. I smiled at her, indeed satisfied with her reaction to what I had said, while her own eyes grew bright with gratification.

I leaned to place my lips over hers.

While she tilted her head to meet them.

Then...

Heaven had been beautiful, in my arms I held a sensitive creature made of all beautiful things, how wonderful it felt to be held so close by someone you love. Kisses to be placed wherever she pleased, her touches brushing against my skin, as her lips inched closer to mine. Nothing could be compared to this moment I had, for once in my pathetic existence did I have what I wanted, and it was only Hitomi.

My eyes were only for her. ...My heart belonged to her alone. ...My soul was hers to mold...

Then...in my own rapture, the spell was broken when she spoke mindlessly, her entire appearance filled with lust and love. But...it was not for me...

". . . Allen . . ."

If it was possible for the world to shatter before you, with only one word spoken, then the whole universe shattered like glass before me. It felt like a sword piercing through me, through everything that caused me to care...she might as well have stabbed me herself.

I pulled away quickly from the near kiss, my entire soul withering inside my chest, as I turned to look into Hitomi's own bewildered gaze. My eyes searched hers desperately, fear and pain filled me at once, the thought of not having her love was threatening to tear me limb from limb.

"Van...I can--"

We descended back to the ground, my arms loosely falling from her as my wings folded, taking a step back from her. I could see my hurt expression written in her eyes, not wanting to look away, wanting her to say something that would undo it. But no words poured from her mouth, there was no comfort for me to fall into, only the speechless look on her face was all I saw. All that I could see as my eyes filled up with involuntary tears, turning away from her with a sense of betrayal.

I walked back from her, into the darkness of the forest, to where Escaflowne knelt. Fighting back the pain that threatened to consume me whole, the feeble hope of having Hitomi express how she really felt utterly vanished, and it was replaced with uncontrollable fury.

"VAN!"

I tried to block out her voice from my ears, but I heard her cry out my name in desperate explanation, but now I was filled with too much rage to want to listen to her. Her continuing cries fell on deaf ears, falling silently like a leaf in autumn, maybe on the pond, rippling in the quiet monotones of her voice. The same sweet, innocent voice that betrayed me...sending me into a shuddering frenzy of emotion, while I crawled into Escaflowne, perhaps the only thing that I could truly trust.

Once my brother told me that the pond had the powers to put the soul to ease, once he told me it had the power to heal, how could I have been such a fool to believe him?

__

...Hitomi...

* *


	2. Eternal Twilight

****

Disclaimer: The theme song of Princess Mononoke belongs to someone, though it isn't me.

* *  
[ **2 / Eternal Twilight** ]   
* *

__

In the moonlight I felt your heart  
quiver like a bowstring's pulse  
In the moon's pale light  
you looked at me  
Nobody knows your heart  
-- Princess Mononoke Theme Song (Mononoke-Hime)

* *

The sky was pale...pale and dead and insignificant. But it held peace, vulnerable with mute white, setting the planet into a world of darkness. Pure clouds hung over the earth, silent with innocence and comfort, unmoving in the deepness of the sky. Underneath the swollen bellies of the clouds was the dying light of the sun, somehow golden and flawless, reminding me of all the bliss children could hold in their eyes.

The trees were just silhouettes against the universe, the manifestations of ghosts, somehow whispering through the silence. Gentle whispers moving through the air, slowly twirling upwards as if airborne, then falling nowhere. It was always quiet in the forest, not even a sound was uttered as I lay sprawled across the grass, with my hands behind my head, my gaze lingering up at the clouds. I remember lying like this as a child, looking at nothing in particular, merely daydreaming about something meaningless.

The wind carried the faint scent of Fanaelia's blossoms, gently filling my lungs with sweetness, it was strange and diminishing. Carefully, I pushed myself up with my elbows, plucking a violet-petaled flower with a gentle hand. I brought the blossom against the sky, it appeared delicate with its wispy violet petals, an object that could easily be crushed underneath a forceful grip. I lay back down and smirked at it, it had drawn my blood with its thorns, and it reminded me of someone.

If love was a rose, then I would be bleeding...

It stole sleep from me, every night it would be the same, I would be twisting and turning, painfully aware of the sleeping damsel in the next room. Dreaming...dreaming about _him_. But he didn't know, it was as if he was completely oblivious to her affection toward him, but it wasn't like there were many other women pining over him. Allen...what was he now? My enemy? My rival over a girl he didn't even love?

I considered letting the creeping darkness enwrap me, allowing me drift through the nothingness, granting me the ability to feel nothing. But then again, it had been a hollow week ever since that _incident_ at the pond...everything simply returned to normal as if nothing ever happened. At first, I was secretly pleased that she never bothered to bring the subject up, but after a while, I was wounded by the fact she seemed unaffected by it.

However, during our nightly sparring practices, Allen had casually mentioned the subject of my 'relationship' with Hitomi. He startled me with the question. Not that it was much of a 'relationship,' but what surprised me most was that he actually noticed the tight tension between us, he was the last person I expected to hear it from.

* *

__

Allen withdrew himself, as he poised himself for another round of combination attacks, while I began my own stance for defensive strikes. He threw the question nonchalantly at me, his shoulders rising and falling from the effort of trying to land a 'blow' on me, "so, Van, how are you and Hitomi doing?"

At the first chance of my paralysis at his question, he attacked without hesitance, aiming for my shoulder...probably wanting to 'chop' my arm off. I quickly drew up my sword and stopped his attack just in time, gritting my teeth at the effort of keeping his blade at bay.

"What - -?" I quickly asked, grunting while trying to steady my footing. I used most of my vocal strength to sound completely ignorant of what he meant, my mind hardly believing that he actually noticed our tension, had it been that obvious? "What do you mean?"

"Well," he growled, making an apparent struggle to shove my sword back down, pressing his weight against his heels as he leaned toward me. "You two seemed to have been - - ignoring each other for the last few...days."

I didn't have much of a choice except to withdraw from the struggle for dominance, after attempting to land 'blows' by hacking away at me, Allen stopped as we both fought to catch our breaths before the other attacked. Panting, I answered in gasps, "you - - must be imagining things...Allen. There's nothing happening...between Hitomi and me."

"It doesn't seem like nothing." He breathed, regaining his battle stance for another round, but I struck first. On the feet of a shadow, I approached Allen at a quick speed, my mind burning with the memory of **it**_. I was prepared to land a real blow on him, but he stopped my attack flawlessly, although the sheer force of it nearly knocked him head over heels._

"It's nothing." I responded coolly, trying to push him down, as sweat dribbled down my temples. "Not that it would be any of your business, Allen."

"Really?" He tried to push past my pressure, but he was fighting a losing battle, his blade was steadily lowering toward his neck. He was genuinely amused at my comment, "who said it wasn't?"

"I did." I smiled as my blade brushing against his neck, proud of my rare second victory at our sparring practices, although it had been a sudden burst of rage that had caused it. Maybe rage was a perfect ally in battle...

Allen sighed, defeated, as he rolled his eyes.

"Now, will you shut up and work?" I smirked at him, removing my blade from his neck.

"Those words just earned you a whipping."

"Just try it."

* *

I threw the blossom away from me as I lifted myself up to my feet, unsheathing my sword in one smooth movement, drawing the tip of my sword in front of my eyes. The silver gleamed in deadly seduction, it had the power to destroy lives, to take them without a question asked. I wondered how many lives it would take in the years to come, how many men would it slay, how many wives and mothers would feed it their tears? My only desire was to take down every one of my enemies, and it made me wonder, when did I stop cherishing what life was? What it stood for?

The two moons made enough light for me to practice with my sword, the blade was long and slender, which I abruptly swung to my left. My arm was stretched in a straight line, pointing to the enigmatic darkness, drawing me into its shadowy depths. I swung aggressively toward the two moons, my eyes slipping from the edge of the blade to the Mystic Moon, somehow fuzzing my concentration to that memory by the moonlit pond.

__

". . . Allen . . ."

That innocent, alluring voice rang through my mind like fine crystal, serene and devastating into infinity, sending daggers through my crumpled heart. How close our lips had come to touching, I had been ready to give her everything I had when I held her close to me, so close that I felt the soft beat of her heart against my own. I remembered the warmth she gave me, how delicate she appeared in my arms like fragile china, as if any touch could break her.

I _wanted_ to give her everything.

Somewhere deep in the darkness, had been where my heart was hidden, and somehow, she had found it. Then she broke it without a moment's notice, it was beyond pain, it was beyond death, but I had found the feeling of what it meant to die without dying...it was torture.

The golden sunlight had sputtered and died. The sky was now utterly black and empty, almost cold enough to match how my heart felt, it was icy and nullified of any form of pleasure. Above the cool horizon was the frozen stars, stuck in the abysmal darkness known as the night sky, it was eternal...eternal twilight...so beautiful, so sedated, so distant. This was a perfect place to die, underneath the breathing heavens of stars and moons, resting while your entire life bleeds out of you as you stare at the perfection above you. It would be a peaceful death, here...now.

I sank back into the grass, lying on my back across an ocean of green blades, easily crushed underneath my weight. I stared up at the perfection, drowning my eyes with depression and misery, leaking out from my darkened eyes shamelessly. Tears were a strange sensation against my skin, rolling so softly down my temples, dripping off from the edge of my ears. Almost like kisses...

I slowly sheathed my long sword into its cover, but drew out my dagger instead. I ran my finger along the contours of the blade, illuminating underneath the faint moonlight, causing me to smile hollowly as a thought came into mind. The tears still rolled from my eyes as I sat up, cautiously handling the dagger so that I wouldn't cut myself, almost driving me into a bitter laughing fit.

I brought my left arm to my lap, my palm facing the sky, revealing the tender flesh underneath. My blade traced across the plump flesh, barely brushing the muscled skin, as I applied the necessary pressure to show my blood. Crimson it was, dark and completely luscious underneath the pale light, accepting the grief of my pained soul. I smiled at it, pulling my bloody dagger away from the fresh wound. It felt nostalgic...even if it was sick.

"Eternal..." I whispered, smiling slightly as I brought my arm to my lips, licking the blood away with my tongue. Its taste was sweet and bitter, it felt wet and nauseating against my lips, now bloody with the crimson 'tears.' "...twilight."

It was a precious moment, in darkness, in sweetness...both heaven and hell belonged here. Living deep in my blood. I raised my arm to the sky, letting the soft crimson gush down my entire arm, down towards my shoulder. To die, here...now. Would anyone miss me? Would anyone cry to find me in a pool of blood?

"Why can't I be more like Allen?" I rested my wounded arm on my lap again, letting it soak into my pants, deep into the moist earth. "Nothing I do is right...Hitomi will never love me."

With a trembling hand, I moved my dagger toward my right shoulder, shoving the fabric of my shirt away as I pressed the sharp blade against my skin. I gritted my teeth as I made another wound, curving it gently while I ignored the pain, just past my collarbone and stopping there. I pulled away the dagger's dangerous edge, feeling the newer sensation of blood dripping all over my torso, making me shiver with delight and fear.

__

...Hitomi...

How was it possible to love and hate someone so much? Enough to make yourself bleed for them? I couldn't understand as the tears started up again, from both the pain of my body's torture and Hitomi's rejection. It wasn't fair to love someone this much...and not have them love you back. Life wasn't worth living in pain and regret. So why should _I_ bother living in those circumstances?

Hitomi made her choice. Let _her_ live through the consequences. I didn't need love, I had been fine without it for the longest time, it was the last thing I would _ever_ need. Hell, I didn't even need her.

The wound on my shoulder was dangerously deep. I knew that if I didn't get any medical attention, that I would bleed to death, but still, I didn't move from my position beneath the twilight. It was too painful to move. I silently cursed myself for being stupidly impulsive. When did I become so weak? Weak enough to do this to myself?

I remembered the laughter that had been in this field of greenery, distant echoes from the past that abandoned me, but it rang through the cool air like an dragenergist. I lay back down, peacefully despite the pain, effortlessly disregarding the deepness of my would. It may have been fatal, but there was no turning back now.

Slowly, I succumbed to soothing sleep...

__

...Goodbye...Hitomi...

* *

__

"Brother?"

"What is it, Van?"

"You're going to slay the dragon tomorrow, aren't you?"

Silence.

"Folken, will you get...hurt?"

"Of course, I won't, Van. I'm unbeatable, remember? When I come back, we will...go back to the pond you love so much, and I'll tell you all about slaying the dragon. Alright?"

"Alright, brother."

~Heaven had been beautiful, in my arms I held a sensitive creature made of all beautiful things, how wonderful it felt to be held so close by someone you love. Kisses to be placed wherever she pleased, her touches brushing against my skin, as her lips inched closer to mine. Nothing could be compared to this moment I had, for once in my pathetic existence did I have what I wanted, and it was only Hitomi.~

The feeling remained...a forsaken child amidst a kingdom that would fall by his hand...the torn heart of a would-be lover. Maybe the betrayal of Folken and Hitomi would give me a reason for...dying like a coward. Yes, exactly like a bastard of war...

* *

I felt hands on my face, warm and vague against my numb skin, almost seeking and desperate, soft apprehensive touches for a self-wounded boy. I seemed dead either way, either drowning in a pool of my own blood, or slowly succumbing to my broken body. It didn't hurt as much anymore...it was faint, the pain that grasped at me didn't seem real, but I knew that the wounds were there.

I could feel my blood trickling against my body, my life slowly draining out of me, as the blood seeped out of my seemingly fatal wounds. It was all right though, it wasn't like I had anything to live for anymore, everything had been taken from me. My body, my value, my life...it was okay. Nothing mattered.

"...can you hear me?" A voice whispered to me, maybe the voice had spoken louder, but when a vast amount of blood seeped out of my body, sounds were drowned into near complete silence. "...damn...he's either unconscious, or dead..."

"He isn't dead...he isn't that weak to die like this." It was a different person, a more subtle and feminine voice from the shadows, clutched in fear. The soft voice sounded familiar, I remembered that voice from somewhere before, but it didn't register in my mind where I knew it from. "He...he would never die like this...never like this..."

The darkness was half still, my injuries made everything unreal and twisting, but I could see the silhouette of some stranger, suited professionally, made for work. I could feel the warmth of my ancestry, dripping out of my mouth and the gash on my right shoulder, onto the cold, abandoned earth, making me feel more worthless and helpless. The pain wasn't as sharp, even if I had been fully conscious, I would have wallowed in self-pity anyway, just to neglect the pain of my body.

The hands were now on my throat, searching for a sign of life, sending cold chills down my back, yet the hands were full of warmth and gentleness. The hands left my throat when they found my trembling heartbeat, faint from fatigue and loss of blood, like the wings of a hummingbird against the wind. I could sense that the person's hands were now on my chest, distinguishing, whether or not, if I was still breathing. My chest rose up and down, only slightly, breathing in little shafts of air, musty with the stench of death and lush flora.

"...listen to me..." the voice spoke softly, taking me by the shoulders, the grip was firm, but gentle, as if the voice expected to break some fragile bone in my body. "This doesn't look good. If we don't get you to a doctor, you're going to bleed to death...please, hang on..."

"I...please, hang on...we can't lose you..._I_ can't lose you..." It was that other voice, that sweet and caring voice, it was so pure. But I didn't remember whose it was. How could such a pretty voice be forgotten?

Those very hands on my shoulders, now moved underneath me with the greatest care, grunting with effort not to injure me any more than I already was. My head fell against some chest, athletic and warm, my breaths now coming more fiercely from the sudden movement of my body. The movements paused, I could feel someone's breathing against my temple, warm and wet, making me feel strangely safe within whoever's custody I was in. Like a sleeping child, in the arms of my kindhearted brother.

Whoever had been carrying me now uttered a curse, breaking my peace. I remained unmoving in his arms, but when he looked down, I had opened my eyes slightly to reveal dazed, deadened eyes, with an ashen face covered in nothing but crimson blood. Still dripping..._dripping_...

Then I whispered, "just let me die...please..."

Those were my last words, before my face tilted against the stranger's chest, completely defeated by exhaustion. I continued to bleed, and for a long time, it seemed like it would never stop.

* *

__

All of your sorrow, grief and pain  
locked away in the forests of the night  
Your secret heart belongs to the world  
of the things that sigh in the dark  
of the things that cry in the dark  
-- Princess Mononoke Theme Song (Mononoke-Hime)

* *


	3. To Kill An Angel

[** 3 / To Kill An Angel** ]

-- This one's for Theo Gabrielle

* *

__

Tell me that I will never die  
Take away all my pain  
Rock me gently in your arms  
Say that I'll remain in your keeping  
And this much I know is true  
I have lived inside of you  
You have always seen me through  
While I am peacefully sleeping  
I will love you till the end  
Long will I remain in your keeping  
-- In Your Keeping / Jann Arden(Blood Red Cherry)

* *

__

Van looks untouchable when he sleeps, all his sharp features are softened with innocent charm, his usual scowl fading into the golden brilliance of his skin. He's beautiful when he sleeps, I wish I could hold him and kiss all his wounds away, but he would probably wake up repulsed at the sight of me. Ha. I could just imagine his reaction, tipping me off the bed, yelling at me to get the hell out of his room.

But even as I watch him, in all his vulnerable silkiness, it seemed like it was all my fault. Nothing prepared me to find Van in a pool of his own blood, to see his own dagger tainted with his blood, and the horrible realization that he might die. I hated him for it... at least for a while, but then I realized that I couldn't hate him that long...

The fleeting reminisce of his whispered words comes back to haunt me, "... just let me die... please..." My heart seemed to rip right out of my chest, and all I could do was clutch at the empty space inside me, crying silently at his bedside, taking a gentle hold of his hand, and bringing it to my cheek. Pleading, begging, whispering for his forgiveness.

But he gave no answer, because he could not speak.

His lips part slightly when he rests... it's such a childlike gesture, even for him, with all his struggles by his side. It's so tempting just to lean in for a quick kiss. Even in his sleep, he makes me feel self-conscious and awkward. But happy... he's always made me feel safe, always thinking about me ahead of himself. Maybe that was the problem... he needed to protect someone, someone he cared about.

I never wanted to become the burden of his heart. I didn't want him to get hurt because of me... but all that comes back to me in ten fold, here he lies... hurt because of me.

There was always Merle, but maybe he needed a human girl to love, hold, and kiss. He's always had the cat-girl, knew what it was to be fond of someone, but he never met anyone whom he could fall in love with. From what I've heard, he never had any contact with real girls, maybe it was just infatuation? Like how I was with Allen? No. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that Van really loves me.

I just wish I could tell him how I feel. Truly_ feel. Inside my heart. I wonder if he could hear me if I just speak to him while he sleeps? I heard somewhere that a person could listen to you better if you speak to them while they slept. Would you hear me, Van? Listening to my heart..._

I miss his eyes... I never thought I'd say that. They were always so demanding, so biting, like he could see everything inside your soul. But when he held me at that pond... it was as if all that melted into puddles of dark rubies, gentle and loving. I wish he could look at me that way again, but it seems impossible now, since what's happened since then.

He'll blame me for all this. I know it. I know how Van's mind works, he'll look at me with contempt, not with love. And it's because of me! It had been my mistake. And that stupid mistake would cost me Van...

Van lies there as if he were dead, which makes me hate myself. I never should've said Allen's name, that was the cause of all this mess, then maybe none of this would've happened. Why_ did I say Allen's name when all I could think about was Van?_

I can't answer that question... because I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Sometimes, I really wish that it had been me instead of Van. Why does he have to suffer more because of me? I know I'm not worth any of this... I'm certain he knows it too.

Van... I--

-- excerpt from Hitomi's incomplete journal entry

* *

All the brightness in the world had been reduced to a single flame of an oil lamp. Twisting vigorously in the darkness, like an elegant flame of immortal hope, only waiting to be blown out. The vanishing shadows soon came to be vague silhouettes, its only purpose to be embraced by the darkness, ignoring the light's godly attempt to shatter it. The flame only created the darkness by drawing out the phantoms, faces which couldn't be seen, only whispers which could scarcely be heard.

They were whispering something about blood... the blood of the innocent had been spilt by the hands of a child... by a blade which only held self-destruction. _There, within devastation and animosity, the fulfillment you so desperately seek you shall achieve. Within love, find only blood you will._

... within love, find only blood I will? What the...

Why was it so _cold_?

Was I dead?

No. Just the cold wind from the open balcony.

__

I shouldn't even be listening to phantoms, I decided uncertainly. _Their intentions are always cruel, attempting to lure you into the Shade._ I faintly remembered a rather enormous bed, deep ruby velvet drapery hung from the bedposts, which could be summoned with the tug of a lemon colored cord. A woman, with the darkest eyes set against pale skin, used to sit on a rocking chair by my bedside, telling me the stories about phantoms, pixies, and other bad spirits. The Shade, however, was something I wasn't certain of.

With that, another realization dawned on me.

__

Who am I? I brought up my arm to touch my face curiously, and then my eyes set on my bandaged arm in shock, crimson liquid seeped though the snowy cloth. _And what the _bloody hell_ happened to my arm?!_

"What... what happened?" I sputtered, choking on my own words. Before I could stop myself, I bolted upright into a sitting position, an aching pain instantly shooting into my chest. It was like an inferno erupted inside my chest, scorching my lungs until I couldn't breathe, the quilts slipped to reveal that almost my entire torso had been dressed with bandages.

I cried out loudly in agony. My body arched involuntarily, thrashing violently back into the bed, as I felt the full force of searing pain streak through my veins. My lungs continued to burn relentlessly, growing more vicious with each passing second, it was like my entire chest was on fire. I began to hyperventilate. I choked on my own breaths, each one like a sword penetrating through my lungs. I couldn't control my body, nor could I control my breathing.

The blood _can't_ be real... none of it could be. No way.

But the pain felt real. More real than not knowing myself.

I screwed my eyes shut, water collecting in my eyes, practically blinding me in terror. _... am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying?..._ A wordless cry of desperate anguish converged deep in my throat, until it reached the point where it couldn't be held back any longer.

I screamed for all that I was worth.

The cry echoed back to me, filling the emptiness of the shadows with my torment, but the pain was amplified by that one attempt for help. My breathes came hollow and quick, the dizzying and terrifying moment when I realized I couldn't breathe anymore, my entire body still convulsing violently. All of it came at me like the plunge of a sword, a terrible nauseating feeling deep in my stomach.

No one was coming.

Something inside me smiled, despite the pain, despite my will to live. Someone else smiled, another face inside my body, someone else who wanted to die. _But this is what you wanted, you started with the wounds, but that was still not enough to satisfy your misery. Isn't this what you prayed for? To feel the pain of the world, and then die? Hahahaha, it's amusing, in way. Stop the struggling, when you do, everything sets into place. As it should be. Let Death take you into its arms, let it hold you, and then everything -- all the pain, all your sorrow -- will go away. Don't fight it. Embrace it._

It was _my_ voice. It scared me more than dying. It was _me_ talking... to myself... but yet, it wasn't me. Someone else... someone else inside _me_.

... the pain didn't even hurt much anymore...

I heard the door snap open from somewhere on my left, with such a force, that I was almost confident that it was blown off its hinges. But it didn't matter, it was just getting all hazy... like a dream where you see everything happening around you. It was a strange sensation. My body tingled with eerie giddiness, an edge which nothing else could bring me, but I still heard everything around me.

__

"Crap!" A voice, so faint, whispered from my right. I felt someone open my eyes, but all I could see what a blinding white, then a cold touch on my throat. _"His eyes dilated. We got a heartbeat, but he's not breathing..."_

"Wh-what's happening?!" Another voice, only louder, I suppose she was screaming. _"Milerna? What's happening to Van? Is he - is he - -"_

"Allen! Get Hitomi out of here!"

"Right."

"No! Let me go!" The voice was farther away now, the deepest sound of sadness shattering my peace. _"Van? _Van?!_ Oh god, please... Van!"_

"You can't help Van by screaming, Hitomi, you'll make it worse. Please. _Let Milerna and the doctors work on it."_

"But... but..."

The chilling sensations in my limbs lightened, smooth hands brushed over my face and chest, offering a reassured hush of warmth. A murmur which only the dead could hear... _live_... the hypnotizing heat dispersed into my skin, leaving me with the most strange obscure perception of others around me. With all distress past, it seemed hard to concentrate on anything else but the touch which gave me warmth, and then my eyes opened slowly.

__

"... lerna, his... erratic... unstable..."

A young boy, with a crop of jet black hair - - more of a mop, actually - - lounging without movement among the softest quilts, which were cast aside by other strangers. His eyes opened to mere slits, ominous with a waxy face, drenched in sweat from whatever previous struggle he fought. I found myself admiring his deathlike countenance, a wrenching moment which nothing could break, like angels serenading to the moons.

I smiled at him... smiled at myself.

__

So this must be death, I thought with rueful smile. _There's no more fear here, not anymore, the pain is nonexistent from the circumstance of my death. Everything fades, all the pain dies, like it all just a dream... just like that voice told me it would._ It was a gentle stir inside my essence, like being air, watching while others tried to revive my dead body. But it was hopeless, wasn't it? Since I was already dead.

__

"... his heart's stopped! ..."

Those around him - - around me - - initiated their vain attempts at CPR, every muscle in their faces becoming taut with effort. I heard the door slam shut behind me, that girl was still screaming, but I paid her no heed. I didn't know who she was, so I didn't bother to care, the only reality was the body... _my_ body.

Then, the noise of everything around me. The whispers... _live... live... breath..._

The sweetest thing death is. Lay you six feet under will they. Roses, flowers, and daisies they will bring for you. But remember you they will not. Because death is your companion... underneath all the woe... shall become nothing but ash. Accept destiny all you can do... just die...

The candle flickered from the sudden gust of wind, and darkness enwrapped everything with its bitter love, then a complete silence softly exploded except for the sound of breathing. A heartbeat echoing into the still atmosphere... _thump, thump, thump..._ gently taking in all the fragments of reality.

Then everything...

... started to...

__

... fade...

* *

__

Van is dead.

This I know, because I can still hear Emperor Dornkirk's cries of joy, "the Dragon is dead! The Dragon is dead! Folken, you have served me well."

To describe how I feel is impossible. No words can express the sorrow that burrows deep into my soul. I suppose it would be better to forget all the unfortunate events leading to Van's death, but to ignore the fact that you're the one responsible for your own brother's death is preposterous.

Not only am I a traitor to my own country's destruction, but I'm a traitor to my own family... my younger brother - - my own flesh and blood - - is dead because of me. And what is worth all the pain I feel? Knowing that Zaibach will win the war without any disturbances from the Dragon? Without any resistance Zaibach will flourish into prosperity, but is that enough to undo the pain I inflicted upon myself? Upon Van?

No, it will haunt me forever, long after I'm dead, it will always be there... poisoning my heart and soul.

I swore to always protect my brother, but I'm the one who caused his suffering. I still remember that promise, he was so young, always clinging to my leg like the nuisance he was. Hmm, I fondly recollect those times when I feel most alone, knowing that he loved and cherished me, as I did him. But it seems like an eternity ago, when I used to lift him high into the air, knowing that he enjoyed the feeling of flying. Always begging me to take him gliding - - secretly, of course, our mother used to disapprove of that practice.

How Van used to stumble into trouble without intending to, he always hid his guilt improperly, it was evident on how he avoided everyone's gaze. Everyday, Varie would ask the same question, "what did you do this time?" And then Van would look at his feet, mumbling an apology, making haste to start crying. He always got out of trouble that way, though it was never all the time, only when Varie felt sympathetic.

When he didn't, he usually came running to me, forcing me to play his hero when mother was angry with him. I used to love when Van did that sometimes, looking up to me to be his defender, and other times, I would tell him to deal with his own problems. But he'd screw up his face in the most adorable way, making me feel guilty and knowing I'd play his hero anyway.

Van... brother, will you ever forgive me? I know you can't, because you're already dead. But will your comrades forgive me, knowing I'm the cause of their loss? I doubt it, but I can only hope for the best.

I wish I could tell you everything I did... maybe I can pretend you're here with me...

Dornkirk realized your strength came from your love of Hitomi, it was she who was the real threat against Zaibach, you were the one who accepted her love... her power. If, somehow, he could break the bond between you and Hitomi, he knew he could regain control over the Great War.

There had been only one way: to have Hitomi herself break your heart by revealing she truly loved another, when she, in fact, loved you more than anyone else.

I disagreed for your sake, brother, but Dornkirk silenced me before I could even say a word. I was left with no choice, but to follow the orders he gave me... I tried to protect you, Van, know that, but there had been no time. I was informed by one of the Dragonslayers that I was needed by Dornkirk. It had been unexpected, that alone left me no time to prepare. When I arrived at the calling area, I found that everything had been organized for your downfall. He_ knew. Dornkirk knew that I arranged to sabotage the plan. I didn't care about the aftermath of my actions, as long as I knew you were safe. He never confronted me with his knowledge, but it only took one look to know: 'Do it, or die.'_

I made the mistake of being afraid to die for you.

Dornkirk had schemed to use the Fate Alteration machines to destroy you. I didn't move for a moment, torn between my love for you and my duty, but Nariya had whispered in my ear that I had no choice. She, nor Eriya, didn't want to see me die. Nariya and I positioned ourselves, while you and Hitomi were by the pond, declaring your feelings for her. I had played you, and Nariya played Hitomi, like a sick game of acting.

As Hitomi had been about to kiss you, to whisper your name, to say she loved you too. Nariya had said another name, which forced Hitomi to say without thinking, she spoke the name you probably hated 'Allen.'

We had played you like puppets. Dornkirk foresaw a new future for Zaibach, a glorious rising of victory he desperately needed to fulfill his sick lust to play God. His words were of this, as he peered through his ridiculously huge telescope, "the future rapidly changes before my eyes. Suddenly I see no foolish girl standing above the ruins of Zaibach, but I see her underneath us, bleeding and weeping. Folken, I see no Dragon... the Dragon has been destroyed."

He had laughed, as I fought to keep myself neutral and unresponsive, I had nodded and bowed. "I see that I have done the duty you have asked of me, Emperor. If there is nothing else..."

I wish... I wish I had done something, but I was too weak to even try.

My heart twists inside me, a great heaviness grows in my chest, in my throat. Sadness dances circles around me, leaving me latent with grief, pulling me in so deeply that I fear I may never escape it. I never realized how pain actually feels, even after a dragon had bitten my arm off, this is the most agonizing moment of my entire existence. Knowing that you are dead, means that I am dead too...

Brother... my wings have grown black.

Is it an omen of some kind?

You have always lived inside me, Van, but now that you're gone, I'm worth nothing. I can't live if you're not alive. That much I know. I wish we could go back to the times where you and I slept by the pond, living without a care in the world, back when you knew me as your hero.

Now I am the coward who fed his very own brother to a hungry wolf.

If I could have done one thing differently, it would have been to allow that dragon to kill me. If my death could have stopped yours, I would have gladly taken it, but it's too late now. Even to choose death.

Understand this, brother, I will_ avenge you. Even if that means destroying myself in the process._

- - excerpt from Folken's journal entry

* *


	4. The Shade

[ **4 / The Shade** ]

* *

[ **Interlude 1 - Van** ]

I thought life lasted forever once, when I was younger, I lived only for the day, not for tomorrow. I didn't know the future, I didn't comprehend its meaning, or its purpose. But it became a great part of my life as I grew older. Then one day, it became clear to me that life took everything way, and death took everyone you loved. I was only seven when this became reality, by then I was stuck in a transition between being a prince and a king, but still remaining a child in all of it.

Everything in my life changed when Folken disappeared. Suddenly I was pushed into the position of being the first heir to the throne. Responsibility became my burden, I could no longer be just the unruly youth of the palace, instead I became something else. Not more, but not less. I was no more worthy of being king than I was a full-blooded human.

I kept it inside instead. 

I hated them all, every single one of the scholars, all of the sword trainers. I even hated my family. They were the ones who brought into me all the responsibilities. It was my father's fault he fell in love with my mother. It was my mother's fault she fell in love with a king. It was my brother's fault that he was a coward. Sometimes, when I was alone -- which was often -- I was glad all three of them had died, but Folken hadn't.

I hated them because they left me alone.

It was easier just to die.

So I did.

* *

It began with a shadow.

It was quivering figure against the night... gentle, thornless, perfect. It was like starlight, softened into dullness, stirring as the crestfallen sea does against a shore; an isolated murmur of life within death. Alone... I brought my arms around me, trembling as a cold breeze brushed against me.

The shadow stood underneath twin moons. They were white and perfectly formed, pinned against a black ocean, as tiny blue gems shone with them. A gleam of slanted silver kissed everything, livid and wanting, seducing everything into its glow. The shadow remained, undaunted even by light.

I was tired... so very tired. I wanted to lie somewhere and find some peace, I would curl up in a hole if I could, but there weren't any holes big enough for me. I knew this place. A woman told me about this place. The Shade. It was beautiful, always a gentle night, but all things here were an illusion. Despair made it beautiful... it fed upon misery.

I saw a massive oak tree to my right, wary of the shadow, I moved towards the casualness of it. To rest against it, just to close my eyes and sleep, leave the rest of it alone. Just leave me alone...

I slumped against it, bringing my arms to cover my stomach, unconsciously deciding to curl up against it. The bark was rough, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, all I cared about was going to sleep. I closed my eyes, trying to give my body some warmth.

I may have slept for a few hours, a few days, even months. I couldn't comprehend time anymore, but I could never give myself the warmth I desperately needed. It was a futile task, for warmth was impossible if you were dead.

It was cold here. I opened my eyes sleepily, looking down at my quaking hands. My fingers... they were beginning to turn blue, I could even see the ice starting to form at my fingertips. A sigh of my last remaining warmth departed from my lips in a white cloud.

The shadow... it was closer, still fearless of the moonlight. I might have told it to go away, I might have threatened it, but I had no strength left in me to fight. I felt completely drained of life, it seemed so, considering how I couldn't even hold myself anymore. If it were true, that the Shade ate your misery to keep itself strong, then that might've been what was happening to me. It was sucking the anguish out of me, not even leaving me with anything good. I gladly gave it all my despair, but it was giving me emptiness in return.

I didn't even know why I was here anymore...

Shivering violently, I curled up into a tighter ball. It was only then that I couldn't stop the droplets falling from my eyes. The tears were warm, so full of heat, maybe enough to stop me from turning into an icicle. I wept myself into unconsciousness, but the soft heat fled just as quickly, and I had nothing to grasp on to.

When I came to, the shadow had come even closer to the oak tree that I used as my grave marker. I could see the undistinctive outline of its body, a blur of colors all meshed into one, like an impressionist's painting. It was almost inviting if it weren't for the cruel aura it carried within itself.

It remained unspoken, despite the gentle hum that came from it. As I thought I would pass out, it did speak. In a voice that I couldn't quite place, it had been somewhere between reassuring yet spiteful, foreign yet familiar. I could only describe its voice as trusting, like a diamond.

[Why are you always alone?]

I managed to murmur some vague thing like, "I prefer it that way."

[Why?] the shadow asked in a curious tone, it sounded faraway, like there were miles between us. [Why would one want to be alone? Don't you want your friends to be around you?]

"Stupid questions..." I answered faintly, as my eyes closed, sleep threatening to invade me.

There was a long pause, as I was about to doze off, it spoke again, [you died like that, didn't you?]

"Yes," I answered with some degree of slurring. "I've always been alone."

* *

[ **Interlude 2 - A Conversation** ]

__

"Van's lost so much blood. I don't know if he has enough to sustain his body. His mind is telling him to heal the wounds, the effects could be devastating because his body is still trying to cope with the sudden loss of blood. It's almost impossible to tell how much stress he's going through."

"Couldn't you just give him a blood transfusion, Milerna?"

"The doctors and I discussed the possibility of it."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Allen... he's part Draconian. The structure of his DNA and blood cells are different from ours. Even if we found the right blood donor, there's an eighty percent chance that he will reject it."

"But the transfusion would help him last a little longer, wouldn't it? Until we know what to do, at least."

"Yes, it could. But it's risky, there could be complications in the process. We don't know the structure of Draconian DNA, it's unthinkable of what could happen to him. His blood type is uncommon, so there is no way we can find the right blood donor."

"Dammit. There goes plan A."

"Did you have a plan B?"

"We were still working on that one. There has to be a way, we can't just let this happen. Without him..."

"I know, Allen. We all will."

"How much time does he have?"

"Allen, listen to me. No, please, don't turn away. Just listen to me. Sooner or later, Van's body is going to collapse on itself, with or without the blood transfusion. There's not even enough time to find him a donor..."

"What are you saying?"

"He can't take any more of this -- look at me -- he's beyond our help. It's over."

"...No. You're wrong."

"I know how you feel. I feel it too... I don't want him to die anymore than you do! I care about Van too, dammit, but there's no more hope left for him. All we can do is pray that he leaves us without pain. We've done all we could for him, we have thought of every potential way to save him, but it's been in vain, now we have to let him go. So don't make this harder than it already is..."

"Milerna... please don't cry."

"I don't know if I can tell Merle or Hitomi. How am I supposed to tell them Van is dying?"

* *

[ **Interlude 3 - Hitomi** ]

__

"I hope you can hear me. I wanted to tell you a few things, but it's hard to know where I should start. I'm not every good with words, everything comes out wrong, what I feel sounds different when I say it.

"What I wanted to say was that I never meant to say Allen's name... I don't even know why I said it in the first place. All I think about was you. How you were going to be my first kiss, how your arms felt like they were made for me to fit into, how your touch made me tingle all over. I only read about those things, I never realized how true they could be.

"I thought about it all the time, when I faced you, I remembered how you reacted. The sudden emptiness in your eyes, how that spark of life just died inside you, and I felt so scared. I couldn't think right. Everything happened so fast. I called for you, I wanted to explain what I felt, what you made me feel. But you never gave me a chance...

"So I pretended as if it never happened. Whenever you looked at me, you're face would darken as if by a shadow, and your eyes would narrow into slits. I was scared of you. Of what you might do if we were ever alone, and all I could think about when I slept were your eyes, how cold they had become.

"I wasn't thinking of Allen. I thought about you. Only you, because you made me feel something deeper that the infatuation I had with Allen, because your single touch made me feel a million different things at once. I don't know if it's possible, but I think you touched my soul, my very being, that night when you held me. I'm sure of it.

"But words alone can't describe what I feel for you, so I'll show you instead..."

* *

I woke up to a sudden warmth on my lips, almost like a kiss, slowly fading into my skin. I thought about the possibility of someone saving me from this place, but when I opened my eyes, there was no one there except for the shadow. I wondered how long it had stood there, how it could have endured the agony of standing in one place for so long, without moving or sitting, and still have the strength to stand. I was impressed by a fraction, but even that knowledge couldn't keep me awake long enough to stare in awe.

Then I heard the whisper that came after the warmth, "I'm not going to let you die."

The voice was silky, a feminine tone of worry, one that I hadn't heard before in the longest time. I didn't know why it touched me, because I couldn't remember anything besides the moment I came here. The shadow swayed a little. Then it straightened immediately after. It knew no weakness.

I noticed the ice that started to form at my feet. The second thing I noticed was my teeth were chattering uncontrollably, but I still didn't care about either of it. My eyes remained heavy with tiredness.

[You're finally awake.] It said in that same soft tone that I couldn't quite trust, yet it still left the produced the same reassurance, as if I were just a child to console who woke up from a nightmare.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper, sounding as if the wind had spoken. My hands turned into fists, just to keep them from shaking as fiercely as they were. I wanted to stand, but the ice kept me in place. I didn't think I could even stand anyway, my body felt like it would break if I moved about too much.

My entire body hurt like hell.

[Many things are wanted, but I'd settle for you,] it replied. [Look at what you've done for me. Look at the world.]

I looked.

The world was luminous, like a giant pearl bathed in a radiance beyond that of the moons, the night ripped across the sky without apology. I instantly knew what everything was, the emptiness in its beauty, this was the misery that I once held in my chest. Every breath had gone into this air, travelling to better this place. So it was true... the Shade drank your pain with delight, knowing that it would reinforce what it began with, knowing that it could make itself more seductive to the unwary. My pain was written on the stars, each constellation was my anger, each perfectly kindled fireball was my hell. And I had so much of it, too much, enough to feed an entire world. Even the shadow looked as if it had more depth, a darker light, like a purple flame. It had more substance, a finer outline, I thought it was beginning to take a form.

I didn't know whether to start crying or laughing. The coldness, the dreamless landscape, the vacant full moons staring down upon me, leaving me, abandoning its purpose. If happiness was bitter, then it was what I felt at the moment of discovering this new tomb, beautiful and dark, empty and lit. I was going to be covered in ice, a statue against an oak tree. What the hell was I supposed to do?

[It rips you apart, doesn't it? You see through its tranquillity and see it for its evil,] it spoke again in a strange tone between gentle and cruel. [You have so much to offer us, yet you're so young. How can you have this much suffering when you've barely even begun to live?]

"Go away," I murmured quietly, closing my eyes again. "I don't have time to answer your dense questions."

Sleep.

It was all that mattered, not the coldness, not the quickening paleness of my skin, not even the ice that had slowly begun forming around my waist. I didn't care about what was happening to me, as long as I could slip back into the black oblivion of dreamless sleep, nothing existed there, I was safe from feeling anything. I hoped I wouldn't wake up next time.

[Yes, go there,] it whispered to me, so close that I could feel it breathing down my throat. It wasn't heat, it wasn't even cold, it felt like needles were being stuck deep into the nape of my neck. [You feed us everything you have when you sleep. This is what you wanted, wasn't it? To be without emotion. Soon... you won't have to feel anything ever again, Van.]

That demolished any idea of sleep. It said what I didn't want to hear: my name. The memories came flooding back into me, what had happened, who I was, my responsibilities to people, the promises that needed to be kept. I couldn't do that to them.

"No."

[Wha--]

"I'm not going to feed you," when I said it, it didn't make sense, the words from my mouth but didn't reach my brain. It was like I was running on auto-pilot. "Or whatever you psychopaths plan to do to me. I'm not going to be apart of it."

I forced my eyes open, looking at the sudden form it was taking... me. My mirror image was staring down at me, with a look on its face that told me it was either bewildered or scowling. Its eyes were darker, its hair moved as the wind passed it, half its face was covered in shadow. But the shadow quickly developed my shape, and I couldn't speak again until I got past the shock.

I spoke further, pushing my strength, this time with more determination, "I have a promise I need to keep. And people who need me to be their king. I can't run away from them, no matter how much I bleed, or hurt, or cry, because I have too much to live for to abandon them like my family did to me. So I won't, whatever you do. I'm not going to be like my brother or my mother..." my voice laboured, I raised my eyes and looked at it dead in the eye. "I'm not going to be the source of anyone's pain."

"It's too late for you," it - no, he -- had adopted my voice now, a half-smirk twitching from the corner of his lips. "Can't you even feel the fading energy? You're dying, Van. It's too late for you, even your friends have forsaken your pathetic life."

He thought he was triumphant, smirking like he was superior to me, because I was covered by a sheet of ice. But it didn't mean I was trapped in it.

I lunged at him, the ice breaking from under me. My fist caught him square on the jaw, sending him stumbling backwards, his body landed on the pearly ground with a solid thump. I stood weakly, my legs felt like they were made of jelly, they weren't supporting my weight firmly, but at least I knew I was standing.

"If I have the will to live," I growled at my identical impostor. "Then that's all I need."

He laughed, even his damned teeth were flawlessly white. The mirth in his laughter was real, something I never heard come out of me -- although it wasn't technically me, but my voice -- before, and something that made me fear the worst. My courage faltered for a moment, before my hands turned into fists.

"Interesting how a human can just turn like that," he said softly, bringing a hand to his lip to brush off the blood. "I've underestimated you, that's for certain, but I need you dead so that I can live."

I swore at him, which resulted in more laughter.

He stood up and brushed himself off, while I tensed up for his attack, instead he spoke again, this time in a entirely serious tone. "Just go back to sleep, Van. There's no need for pointless violence, you're going to die anyway, do you understand? Anything you do to me is useless."

"Maybe," I answered, surprised that my voice was as steady and calm as it was. "But at least I'll die knowing that I didn't go down willingly."

"You humans," he finally sneered, his anger flared up in his eyes. "So arrogant of your superiority."

"What are you going to do about it?" I baited him, but his eyes glazed over as if he had been sedated. I thought he lost his mind when he started laughing again, it caught me off guard, but just as quickly, he stopped.

"Pain can't be felt by you, it's already been drained from your body," he said, I swore he would've been dancing in glee if he hadn't kept himself in check. "Why bother trying to reward your insults? I think I'll just let you die in peace, better to have a soul that's less violent."

"Coward," I cried after him but he vanished before my hands reached his neck to strangle him.

At first I stood there, enraged by his absence, then I started to feel weak again. All my stamina faded as a breeze pushed past me, leaving with a feeling of total resignation. I swayed a little trying to move forward, to press through the barren air, but instead, it crushed me.

The moons went on shining in their eternal state. The stars began bleeding with light. My body felt too heavy for my legs, and then I knew it was true -- I was dying. The pearl of the earth was begging me to surrender to it. And gladly, I did.

It took a moment of infinity to reach the ground, feeling the impact of my body against it, how distant it seemed. I began shivering began, so I curled up again and waited to die. I suppose I was happy that it was going to end, but the image of Hitomi and Merle stuck with me, how much I owed them, but never getting the chance to show what they both meant to me. Merle for never abandoning me, because no matter how much I couldn't give her the love she wanted, she always stayed by my side no matter what the circumstance. Hitomi for loving me... because I heard her words, felt her kiss and wished I had been there to kiss her back, wherever she was.

They dimmed into my memory. They were a vanishing dream of goodness.

"Good-bye," I whispered to the ground, closing my eyes for one final time. I didn't lead the life I wanted, but at least I knew Hitomi and Merle loved me.

And I loved them back... but I wish, with all my heart, that I had done more--

[But you never will, will you?]

* *

Cruel way to end this chapter, huh? It's my style, I guess. (Phantom Angel... please don't slap me.)


	5. In These Shadows...

****

A/N: This chapter's a bit different. There's been a _slight_ shift in the original plot. (I hope I did okay with the characters.)

[ **5 / In These Shadows...** ]  
* *  
[ **Van** ]

I have heard of the moment before death when your life becomes... very quiet, like a lilting virgin silence. I heard such a silence now, but it belonged only to me. I lie quietly, unable or unwilling to move because of the fire searing inside my chest and the coldness at my limbs. I could hear the jagged in-between breaths that progressed from my lungs and mouth to carbon dioxide behind the heavy curtain of my repose.

The mute world sang to me; it was like a euphonious requiem and the voice that sang was of untouched virtue. I listened to forget my misfortune, attempting to hear words more than sound, until I realized it was only the elusive whisper of the wind. For an instant, I feared it had been the sweet crooning of my long-dead mother.

I remembered her voice in my mind. Her voice had always been soft and led your attention to her, like a siren waiting for an answer to her song, but she did so without bringing about the deaths of hundreds of men. The words and sounds that left her lips traveled by wind, leaving only the faintest murmurs of her verse when the breeze met an unknowing ear. I only knew that she stopped singing when my father died. Varie had been like a bird, once her mate died, she began to stop living altogether.

Her voice haunted me as a child. It still did, even now. Her croons were the ghosts that lingered over their own graves; her music was made of clouds, moonlight and rain; she made what was considered demonic by the people who condemned her into a form of beauty. The priests said that her voice had the power to take a man's soul. I sometimes believed it when I listened to the memory, in a time which consisted only of empty truths and black uncertainties.

Varie's wings, a pure colour of ivory that it was to the point of being blinding, stretched out once to catch me from falling. I had my own wings now, and yet I still could not rise from the regrets and my own self-hatred. If only I wasn't Draconian, without those stupid accursed wings I wouldn't be so different from anyone. I wouldn't be considered a half-demon who turns everything to shit. Maybe if I hadn't been born to a Drac mother, my fate would've been the same as anyone else's.

Regret was not knowing how things might've turned out. If I had given Hitomi the chance to speak, if I only allowed her to explain, maybe everything would've been okay. I had been so rash and arrogant and heartbroken. I thought only of myself, focusing on my pain instead of others, and now I realize I had been so damn selfish. It was so _fucking_ stupid.

It was my dumb, fatuous, insolent fault for letting emotions get the better of me. Balgus trained me to behave rationally and calmly, and I did his memory the injustice of losing my judgment and composure, and in a time when my country needed a leader. Even if I was a demon.

I never asked for this life. I never asked for Hitomi--

"Aw, a soft spot," said a mocking voice, it was him. The Other. "Kanzaki Hitomi, huh? She's kinda cute... wears the queerest clothes I ever seen though." There was a brief pause, as if biting back a remark. "You can at least look at me, brother."

__

I am not your brother, I wanted to say viciously, but I did nothing to encourage the conversation. I ignored his request and closed my eyes, wanting only to see a void of blackness, and not the strange image of my counterpart. He had purposely invaded my moment. I dimly wondered why. Would anyone notice the difference between us? Or would he be so identical to me that he could fool even Merle? I didn't look because I didn't want the answers.

"Don't be so uptight, Van," he was being too jaunty for me to loosen up. "I've decided to play nice. You should be grateful for the break. You've been too serious for your own good... I mean, no wonder you were stressed enough to end your own life." He added as an afterthought, "brother."

He called me his 'brother' because he knew I hated it. He picked up the emotion without even requiring to probe me, was I so easy to read? I continued to be silent, more or less because I knew I couldn't talk properly. The faint pain of having my fingernails dig into the palms of my hands was a slow realized thing. His voice exactly matched mine and it unnerved me, I shivered slightly, sensing the cheerfully disguised contempt dripping off each word he said.

The Other continued, as if my deliberate silence didn't offend him. His voice was steady and calm, yet his tone suggested at concealed ridicule. "You cling to your mortality with such determination. It's actually quite touching... in a pathetic way. Maybe you don't know how these things work. That's it, isn't it? Do you want any pointers on how to die correctly? You see, _first_, you stop breathing."

__

You think you're clever, I thought, attempting to find a voice in my mind. _If you were so clever as you make yourself out to be, then you would have found a way out of this hell without the aid of a human. ..One day, you will have to cling to your mortality too, because no one gives a damn about you or anyone you dare to care about. Life takes them away... and death eventually comes for us all. No one lives for eternity. Once you become me, you become mortal and your Fate won't be so separate from mine._

"You portray yourself to be so strong and unyielding," his tone changed greatly, imitating the open hostility I often used when angry, "yet you are weak. As a king, you are undaunted by dire plight, but when you stand as just a man, you feign courage when all you know is fear. You pretend to move through emotions like a phantom does through shadows, untouched and aloof, and then you shiver and hide because you dread the night."

If I had my scabbard, I would have pierced his bloody heart so that he would never speak again. Never, in all my life, had I ever wanted to kill someone as much as I did him. Curse him and all his kind. I hoped someone would kill him when he woke in my body. If anyone at all, I would have that pyromaniac, Dilandau of the Dragonslayers, kill him. I knew he wanted to repay me for that scar I gave him.

"Hate is the strongest emotion that a human can feel," his voice had grown solemn and dark. "Every other little emotion is insignificant compared to its intensity, even love. It is the one thing that can never hurt you. For hate knows no boundaries, or the differences between what is right or what is wrong. It's purity at its core."

From where he stood, I could feel his malicious smile burning against my forehead. "And hatred can attract the reckless, as it did to you. Maybe even enough to draw your precious Hitomi here. Her fate could be yours if you just _try_ hard enough."

"Never!" I managed to hiss involuntarily, demanding quite a bit of effort. I wanted to say more, but my voice failed to make any coherent sounds or words. I decided to retreat back into my voluntary silence. I turned my head slightly so that I wouldn't face him, careful to keep my eyes closed.

"You still refuse to open your eyes," if it was possible, his voice would've been able to freeze hell over. "You're without even a shred of dignity, hiding behind your own eyes because you're scared of your own shadow. But when your beloved Hitomi is mentioned," he paused dramatically, consciously, "you act as though you fear nothing."

The Other didn't give me enough time to think of a response. "She can't protect you. I don't believe in promises, or heartfelt apologies, or anyone who has a reliance on love. She possesses all those things, therefore, she's false," He lingered for a moment, driving the words into my brain before he resumed. "None of that can save you from the world's true nature, or from Fate. Your trust in her is an illusion to reassure your own weakness."

__

I know what you're trying to do, I could feel my throat tightening. _You're trying to break me, so that you can fully assimilate who I am. I won't allow it. You can talk all you want, but I'm never going to give in to what you're endeavoring in. How can you understand the sadness of someone who's lost everything he ever loved? First, death took my family. Then, Zaibach took my brother and country. And finally, Allen took Hitomi from me. You will never understand because you're not human. I have nothing to show for the life I led, but I have hope. It's the one thing you can never take from me... ever._

"I believe in Hitomi," I managed to say before the pain struck me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice kept saying: _Even if she doesn't love me, she'll come. I know it. I've never seen her give up._

He didn't answer immediately. I could feel his fury shroud around me like a thick mist, was that how he knew what I felt? Was it because, in reality, we were essentially the same person? In his anger, there was a trace of confusion in there as well, just sort of floating in his mind like a feather does in the wind. It was one of the reasons he was angry. He didn't like to be tormented by confusion. [_ when you understand nothing, reach first for anger. _]

"Fine, you can believe in what you want," his calmness had long lost its patience, and now he was taken by a pure, unrestrained hatred for me. "But before you perish to the afterworld, _know_ this, your darling Hitomi will _die_ before you do. I'll make sure of it."

I opened my eyes as fear shot through me. I stared at the Other, numbed by the vicious coldness I saw flaunted on my all-too-familiar features. Was this what Hitomi saw after we went to the pond? Was the image before me the monster she feared? My mouth opened once or twice to speak, but words were of no use for the dead. The dead have always been silent.

"That got your attention, didn't it?" He smirked slightly, arching one eyebrow as he tilted his head up in arrogance. "Rest in peace, brother."

"Wait!"

But he was already gone, leaving only the moonlight to take his place.  
* *  
[ **Hitomi** ]

Rain.

The sky was bleeding with an injury that was masked by the clouds, or maybe... maybe the heavens were watering the planet with their tears, or maybe they mourned the dead. _Do you cry for Van too?_ I wondered as I pressed my hand against the cool window.

The rain came down in slanted sheets of silver, each teardrop plummeting like a bullet heading straight for my heart. Yesterday I had woken up to the sound of fierce tapping against the windows, a constant and much needed sound to break the dead silence of the room. It was strange to think that the world hadn't turned at all, because the sun had disappeared beneath the horizon long ago and I never saw it again. The clouds obscured the sky that it was as if even light couldn't break it.

__

The worlds turns black, I thought as I looked away from the clouds and into the dark sea below. _Like the empty tomb that used to be my heart._

In the window, I could see the reflection of Merle curled up at the edge of Van's bed. Only this morning, Milerna and the doctors told us that Van wouldn't make it through the night. _Poor Merle_... she would murmur things to him, most of it faint and full of nonsense, and then she would cry if he didn't answer. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know how. Neither of us had gotten along very well.

Milerna told me that Merle had gone into a state of shock and denial, then she appointed me to watch over Merle to make sure that she didn't do anything drastic. I agreed if that was the only way I could help the disheartened cat-girl. Milerna left short after, saying that she had to attend to some things... but I knew she went somewhere to cry. Like Merle, Milerna needed her time and space to _deal_.

Allen and his crew had been sympathetic but found nothing to offer except to sail back to Fanaelia. It seemed that word of Van's sudden 'illness' had traveled fast and many were making preparations for burial. It angered me to think they would give up so easily.

I hadn't given up hope completely, but I could feel it withering inside me with each passing hour. I thought I would've been able to do something, but the dark sky outside told me otherwise, even time seemed to be against me. _Time slows for no one._

I closed my eyes to murmur a prayer, not knowing what else I could do.

When I opened my eyes, the sky looked even blacker than usual. I turned and looked at Van, noticing that he looked even paler than before. Worriedly, I tiptoed to his side, not wanting to wake Merle. I checked his mouth and pulse. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating, though neither were steady. Both had grown even weaker than this morning.

I took his hand, kneeling beside his bed as I've done nights before, and pressed it against my forehead. "I know you're stronger than this. Don't make a liar out of me, Van, I promised I wouldn't let you die."

I closed my eyes, whispering, "think, Hitomi. Just think about this clearly for a minute."

"Hitomi?" I looked up to see Merle blinking sleepily at me. She yawned before she spoke, "who were you talking to?"

"Uh, no one," I smiled sheepishly, placing Van's hand carefully back to his side. "How are you feeling? Better?"

She nodded a bit and curled into a tighter ball, making sure she was against Van's leg. "I know he isn't going to die. Milerna and those doctors are wrong. They don't know that Lord Van is stronger than he looks."

"I know he won't," I smiled and rubbed her awkwardly on the back, which was the only convenient part of her facing me. "You don't have to tell me that."

Her tail wagged slightly to display her pleasure, "Lord Van always does that just when I'm about to fall asleep. It's his way of showing me he really cares. He's never been good at being openly affectionate." She paused nervously. "Um, Hitomi?"

"Hm?"

"Could you rub my back a little more? Just until I doze off?" She sounded so faultless, even though she did steal my bag when we first met and ransacked it. I'm surprised she didn't shock herself when she tried to eat my beeper. But that seemed to happen ages ago. In the past week, everything we had ever done to each other was practically forgotten. It was almost as if we were friends.

"Okay," I answered with a smile.

I reached over and rubbed her back. She had a tiger's tail, I finally noticed, which was sleepily moving back and forth on the bed. _What an odd group we make,_ I thought with a grin. _I wonder what Yukari would say if she saw all of us together? A cat-girl, a girl from the Mystic Moon, a knight, a Princess, and a King on a flying ship. It sounds insane._

My head snapped up guiltily, somewhat aware of that fact that I had fallen half-asleep. I wondered what had suddenly woken me up, then I realized that I couldn't hear the rain anymore. I turned my head slightly to face the window. There was purplish-orange sunlight lightly staining the horizon. I blinked once, hoping that my eyes were somehow deceiving me. No. Morning was close. I panicked.

I turned to Van and was relieved to find that he was still alive, but just by looking at him, I could tell he was already half-dead. It could only have been a matter of minutes before he could just--

[ Escaflowne. ]

I froze. I knew the sound of Van's voice, but yet his lips hadn't moved. I leaned in closer, carefully examining his lips. When they said nothing, I leaned back on my heels, deciding that I had finally gone insane. I leaned down on my elbows, pushing my fingers into my hair. I was about to curse at my luck when I heard it again.

[ Escaflowne. ]

It sounded fainter now, as though the voice was moving away. I stood up and strained to hear Van's voice again. Casting a glance at Merle and Van, I slowly moved towards the door, holding my breath as I reached for the doorknob. The door creaked open, assuring me that my attempt at noiselessly opening a door was pitiful. I glanced at Merle and was thankful she was still asleep.

I turned to my right, which led to the upper levels of the airship. The hall was empty and dimly lit by candles, though most of them had been put out by one of the crewmen, knowing that even the tiniest flame could set the Crusade ablaze. I turned to my left, which led to the cargo and hangar areas of the ship, and thought I saw a flash of black, red, and beige quickly disappear around a corner.

"Van," I said, shocked. "Are you trying to--"

[ Escaflowne. ]

"--tell me something?"

I was already running towards the hangar where they kept Escaflowne before I even finished my sentence. I could smell a scent as I ran, it wasn't like musk, nor cleanliness, but a distinct Van scent. I ran even harder than I did before. The double doors to the hangar had been left closed. I dashed through, slowing down long enough to practically rip open the door.

I stopped running when I saw Escaflowne, it's body mostly covered by its enormous cape. A couple of the crew must have cleaned it because its face was gleaming, even in the gloomy light that poured only from the doorway. It faced me, as if it had been somehow expecting me. Pausing momentarily to catch my breathe, I placed my hands on my knees and leaned over a bit, taking in a few shallow breathes. My heart was beating against my chest so hard that my ears began to ring.

"I'm here," I said aloud, not noticing how foolish I sounded. "Now what?"

[ Escaflowne. ]

There was a movement from the cockpit opening of Escaflowne, as if a light breeze touched the cape and moved it. But I knew that the cape was too heavy for the wind to stir, the only other possibility was someone was there. It couldn't be Van... could it? I took the first few tentative steps, as if I would bolt at any sudden movement, like a rabbit does when it reaches an open area.

"Van?" I called softly. "I-is that you?"

[ Inside. ]

I took another three steps. "Is this a vision? A dream?"

[ No. Your answer lies _inside_. ]

"What?" I stopped moving in-between a step.

[ Escaflowne. ]

I took the last few steps, still hesitant, keeping my eyes steadily on the open cockpit. I bent closer and touched Escaflowne's foot, instantly feeling a jolt of an emotion. Excitement, anxiety... fear, but whatever it had been, it faded back into just cold steel. I never tried to climb into a guymelef, although I had seen Van and Allen do it many times before. It was harder than it looked. After about five attempts, I found myself in front of the cockpit. I peered inside and saw nothing but darkness.

I shivered. "H-hello?"

There was no answer. I was about to climb in when I heard someone shout behind me.

"Hitomi?"

In one fleeting moment, I spun, only to feel nothing under my feet, hearing an obscure snap before falling forward-- no... I was falling backwards, into Escaflowne, as if my left wrist had been pulled by some magnetic force. I felt my head slam hard against the leather seat with a resounding smack. Dazed, I pulled myself up sluggishly so that I was at least sitting on the pilot's seat properly. With both arms, I held my head to keep the cockpit from spinning.

It was then that I noticed ebony-coloured binds that had somehow encircled my wrists. Its touch was like satin, pliable and soft, falling on your skin in soothing coolness... like a shadow. I didn't want to resist against it --still stunned by my fall-- I wanted it to cover me wholly so that I would know its solace.

At first, I thought it was only a hallucination.

But like all shadows, it was deceptive and its coolness lasted only seconds before pain and heat actually set in. The shadows that had been innocently spiraling around my torso suddenly tightened greatly.

Only then did it become agonizingly real.

"Hitomi?" _Merle_, I thought. "What're you doing in there?"

With a strangled cry of distress, I tried to reach for the opening, but the shadow-bonds --or whatever they were-- violently snapped both my arms back into a spread-eagle pose. Suddenly infused with terror and confusion, I struggled against the restraints, only to have the ones around my chest squeeze tautly. I could feel my ribs bending in _very_ painful angles-- then I heard a crack.

The pain and tears were instant.

"Merle!" I tried to scream, but only a moan of anguish came out.

The only free limbs I had were my legs, so I gave a hard kick on the 'floor' of Escaflowne, hoping that would set off Merle's instinct for danger. But it was a short-lived freedom; almost at once, other shadow-bonds bound my legs and set them against the pilot's seat. All too quickly, my entire body was being crushed underneath the shadows' cold grip-- and the sound of breaking bones and tears followed in the midst of moments.

"Hitomi!" Merle sounded worried, as if she were getting ready to climb the guymelef. "C'mon out! Lord Van wouldn't like it if he knew you were in there!"

Crystalline teardrops blinded me as I gave a silent scream of agony. As my struggles began to weaken, the shadows seemed to stop pressing my bones together. One silky shadow caressed my cheek before it coiled around my neck to choke me.

"Hitomi...?"

I gave one last attempt to call for the cat-girl, but in mid-word, blood gurgled out instead. "MER--"

I coughed up blood uncontrollably. The silky shadows were reaching for my eyes; I angled my head upwards, feeling warm liquid dripping down to my chin and neck. It was like trying to keep your head over deep waters... you knew you were going to eventually drown. My eyes blurred and lost focus-- once, then twice. I was beginning to only have a vague awareness of the pain, throbbing and then lessening.

The shadow-chains gripped my neck firmly, as though it didn't know it was killing me, then it gave a tight squeeze, instantly cutting off my air and the blood that flowed from my chest. I was terrified, unable to move, unable to feel-- there was no air.

I coughed as I felt my neck bending inwardly and gave a feeble struggle.

__

This darkness... in these shadows...

The shadows were slow to cover my eyes, but just before I became completely blind, I saw Merle. She was perched at the opening, her mouth gaping open in shock. She reached out and yelled a word, or a name, or something. But I was already too far-gone to hear her words... why did she look so sad?

[ Escaflowne. ]

I whispered a few words, words that I could barely make out myself.

Then... nothing.  
* *  
[ **Merle** ]

__

Oh Hitomi...

I reached --my right hand barely even steady-- to touch her. Blood flowed from her half-open mouth, dripping down her pale chin and staining her blouse. It looked obscene. Her eyes were half-closed and clouded. The angle of her right arm was impossible. Hitomi's neck was bruised as if someone's evil hands had strangled her. My own throat tightened involuntarily, as if I had been choked as well.

She was quiet-- _too_ quiet.

I remembered her eyes mostly, because I couldn't see anything else. Hitomi had been terrified; I saw her fear, while it looked as though something demonic was devouring her. I cried out her name, but her eyes went blank and suddenly, her body just went limp. The darkness dispersed like fog. When I saw her literally crushed body, I had stood, horrified. My hand instantly went for the place where my heart would be, just in front of my chest. 

__

I'm so sorry...

"Hitomi," I whispered, my hand gently brushing against her shoulder. "Please... wake up..."

I was afraid to apply any more pressure to her already-fragile shoulder. One wrong touch and I could end up breaking her into a million pieces. When I looked more closely, I could see the tiny struggle of her chest, moving up and down in very slight movements. She was breathing... she was alive. I didn't want to leave her alone, but if I didn't get help, something bad could happen!

__

I never meant... all the awful things I said...

"Don't worry, Hitomi," I used all the strength I had to keep my voice steady. "I'll find Milerna. She'll know what to do! Just wait for me... okay?"

Without another moment wasted, I sprang into action. I leapt out of Escaflowne, landing easily on my feet. I dropped on all fours as I began racing towards the open door and out into the halls of the Crusade. I tried to navigate while I practically flew through the empty hallways, but tears blurred everything. Usually, I could run for five minutes without having to stop, but now... sobs were racking my body like knives.

Hitomi said something to me before she passed out. Her words echoed in my head without mercy:  
_In these shadows... I belong.  
_* *

__

I will not use cliffhangers... I will not use cliffhangers... I will not use cliffhangers...  
Dammit… it didn't work. Aw, hell… [grumbles]


End file.
